Thursday, July 21, 2016


It's better to burn out than to fade away.
Or so they say.  I'm not really much for cliches.  Ha. Right.

I've had a lot of fun being Ryan Of The Ryan Fan Club.  So much so that I let myself continue doing it when it wasn't as much fun as it used to be, trying to find ways to keep it fun and interesting for myself.  But all good things must come to an end.  Ha, another cliche!

When a door closes, a window opens. There's a third one just for good measure.

You know, since 1998, I've met some amazing people, collaborated with some fantastic artists, and had doors opened to me that probably wouldn't have been otherwise.  I've even autographed a few bras over the years.  I've received fan mail from Japan, Norway, England, and the Philadelphia area.  Just thinking about that makes me all warm inside.  Or maybe I just got a boner.  Yep, definitely a boner.

I guess it's hard to say good-bye.  So I'll just say, "Bye" instead.

I love to write.  I love to make people laugh. I love to sing.  I'll never stop doing any that. I've always said that as long as there's someone to read it, I will always be writing.  That won't change.  It's just time for me to do something different.  I don't know what that "different" is just yet, but I probably won't start thinking about it at least until this boner is gone.

It's crazy to think that I've been Ryan Of The Ryan Fan Club since I was eighteen.  If you do the math on that, you'll see that come this November I'll have been RFC for over half of my life.

Wow, talk about a long joke that just keeps running and running.

And like most really long jokes, the punchline isn't really anything to laugh about.  One of my favorite jokes usually lasts about twenty minutes and ends with, "No, it's a Hickory Dacquiri, Doc!"  The listener usually grunts under their breath about how much of their time I've wasted for such a horrible ending.  You might feel the same after these eighteen years.

Maybe...and this is just psychological speculation... Maybe I'm ending the RFC much like I did with many of my ex-girlfriends from back in the day... right before they turned eighteen. Wow, so Freudian.

So long Ryan-Fans, thanks for putting up with my ridiculousness and mostly the incredible memories you've given me.

- ryan ewing

Saturday, July 16, 2016


They're in right now.

Seriously.  Totally a thing.  Super popular, and all the kids are down with them.

Wanna be the star of that upcoming party you're going to?  Bring pickles.  You might think I'm crazy, but you just watch.  Someone will see those pickles, get excited, and invite you to all the parties from then on.

Pickles.  Popularity.  You'll have both.

"Honey look, they have the good pickles!"

Yeah, you'll be hearing the amazement and joyfulness all around you.

They're so in.

- ryan

Optimus Prime Time

Optimus Prime is the leader of the Autobots. Who are the Autobots, you ask? Well, if you're asking that, then you either weren't around in the 80s, or spent the better part of the last twenty years following CNN News Headlines such as the OJ Trial.

Let's start again, shall we? Optimus Prime is the leader of the Autobots. The Autobots are the good-guy Transformers. You know, robots in disguise. For many of us that grew up in the 80s, Optimus Prime represents a father figure for us. Sure, it's a Saturday Morning father figure, and one that stands several thousand feet tall, but many of us created our moral foundation based on the adventures of Optimus and his gang of Autobots.

The Transformers came to Earth millions of years ago. The Decepticons (those are the bad guys) led by the evil, power hungry, Megatron hijacked Optimus' spaceship and they crash landed on our planet. Optimus was on a mission to find some Energon to power their home planet of Cybertron. Yeah, there's a lot of funny words in that sentence. Basically, both the good and bad Transformers were stuck on Earth with no way to get home and us puny humans were caught up in their war.

Optimus Prime represents leadership. Diplomatic at times, and often seen as being hesitant for action, Optimus was not afraid to do battle when it was the only option left. Possibly the most noble of all of Prime's attributes is the fact that he shows no fear when putting himself in danger to protect his own comrades. Whenever that sissy little Bumblebee was in danger, Optimus would stick his neck out to protect him from Megatron. For a robot, Optimus is one compassionate mother fucker.

Optimus Prime transforms into a big friggin' truck. That's cool.

Optimus even went so far as to let a girl on the team. He recognizes that in the future women have rights too, and if a woman wants to be a robot in disguise, well that's just swell to him. Personally I think he let Arcee on the team just so he could show her off as some kind of trophy wife to all the other Autobots.

Optimus Prime is a fair and honest leader, but deep down he is a guy. And we all love showing off our ladies so the less desirable can be jealous. Really now, would Arcee go for a guy who could Transform into a bicycle when she could go with Optimus and his wicked truck? Nope.

Maybe a sports car though...

Why are Optimus and Megatron such bitter enemies? Well, I heard that they were actually buddies back in Robot College. One night after several turns on the beer-bong at a party Optimus started feeling ill. He puked everywhere. Below you'll see the photo of Megatron actually pointing and laughing at Optimus on his knees after just barfing on the floor. Megatron hates Optimus for not being able to keep down that case of beer he bought. There was some whiskey involved too.  At least that's what I'm told.  So Megatron vowed to get revenge on Optimus for wasting the $40. And that's how the bitter war between them started.  True story, I think.

Inside Optimus is the Autobot Matrix of leadership. He carried this thing around with him for years without letting any of us know, because it was meant to light the Autobots' darkest hour. Well, he never got to use it because he died fighting Megatron. Optimus passed on the Matrix to his good pal Ultra Magnus. Now, we all know that the most qualified Transformer for the job was Hot Rod. After all, he had flames on the side of his car. But Optimus found out about Arcee's secret love affair with Hot Rod and couldn't bring himself to pass the Matrix on to him. That is where we can all relate with the great leader of the Autobots. Deep down he is just as much of a human as we are.

The more I think about it, if it were up to me, I would have passed on the Autobot Matrix of leadership to Jazz.  Hands down, the coolest Transformer ever.

So let's remember Optimus Prime as the great leader he was. Hero. Friend. Soldier. Idol. French Fry Enthusiast. Dana, The Lovely Wife, nixed the notion of naming our first born child Optimus. She just doesn't understand.  We named her Ryleigh instead.

Here's a quick haiku for our hero, Optimus Prime: 
Autobot leader
Inspiration to us all
Transform and roll out

Thanks for reading!
- ryan

Love Is...

Love is a word that is thrown around way too much and yet not enough.

Who do you love? What do you love? Why do you love? What is love?

You know something, I don't really know how to define love. I just know we're quick love something that can't possibly love us back, but get scared at sharing love with another human being.

I love chocolate.
I love the way those shoes look on you.
Don't you just love that new Taylor Swift song?
I love having a day off with nothing to do.
You should try this.  You'll love it.

But when it comes to loving someone, or allowing someone's love into your life, we're more timid about it.  We often try to put it off, or evaluate that love to make sure it's actually love we're feeling.

That's actually pretty fucking stupid.

Seriously, if love is the greatest feeling in the world, then why would we be so scared of letting it into our lives?  Why do we put limitations on it, such as making sure we've waited six months of knowing someone to tell them we love them?  Just in case it wasn't actually love?  Can love be one-sided? Why do we worry to tell someone that we love them?  In case they don't say it back?  Or feel the same?

Well, that's also stupid.  And selfish.
Love, you see, in all actuality is a very selfish emotion.  Love is all about how we feel, and what it does to us.  Now, before you lay into me with tales of selfless love you need to remember that the feeling you get from loving someone, and them knowing that you love them, is also a personal feeling.  It's yours.  Love is selfish.  Love is all about you.

So let's go back to the idea of a one-sided love.  Let's suppose I love you (lucky you!) and have just told you so for the first time.  And let's suppose you don't feel the same way (don't worry, you wouldn't be the first) and do not reciprocate my love.  Well, do I just stop loving you? Just because you don't love me back I'm supposed to just change my feelings?  Sounds pretty selfish to me.  Sounds like a boy taking his basketball and going home because he was picked last to be on the team.  Selfish brat.

I love peanut butter cups.  I really do.  Just thinking about them makes me want to go and have them. I want them to be a part of my life, because of how they make me feel.  But if I saw you on the street talking shit about peanut butter cups, am I going to haul off and punch you in the face?  Probably not, but I've also never met someone who talked trash about a three-pack of Reese's.  If you were calling my lovely wife or kids some awful names I'd be more likely to introduce your fist to my face.  I love my lovely wife and kids, and I love peanut butter cups.

So what about when we don't want someone's love?  That's pretty selfish too, when you think about it.  When someone shows you love and you don't love them back - that's okay.  That's perfectly fine.  You are allowed to love whoever you want.  But what isn't fair is saying someone is weird, or creepy, or crazy just for loving you.  Even a little bit.  If you think someone is weird just for loving you, then essentially you're saying that you're not worth loving.  And that's not fair to you either.

I loved many people in my short life.  And I still love every single one of them.  I don't believe love is something that ever really goes away.  Situations change, responsibilities change, and we complicate our lives with expectations that we feel we deserve, but in the end - love is just love.  I hear people say they've fallen out of love with a significant other, which really just means that they weren't getting out of a relationship what they wanted or were putting in.  But the actual emotion?  The love? It's there.  Maybe everything else around it just became more difficult and complex.

If you're still reading along here, then you should know that this selfish emotion of love... having it is okay. Don't feel bad that loving someone else makes you feel good.  Be a little selfish. Feel good.  Or, feel great - love more people. You don't have to commit your life to everyone you feel love for. Sometimes love is just for a moment. And maybe that's what makes it so special.

Thanks for reading.


A poorly spelled poem written by Ryan Matthew Ewing

Stoopid, stoopid, stoopid
All you want tu do is be herd
It's so stoopid too, Stoopid
Thet yu insist evry wurd
Is rite becuzz you sed it
You prob'ly shulda red it
Befour you said a stoopid, stoopid
Thawt that was justa terd

Stoopid duz as stoopid iz

If Stoopid would just shut their trap
They'd could learn a bit and listen

Cobra Commander Is The Man

Cobra Commander is the leader of the ruthless terrorist organization known as Cobra. You probably could've guessed that from his name. He orders his troop from behind a mask, hidden to even his own evil soldiers. I've never been pro-army, so even as a kid I cheered for Cobra to win. Cobra never won though, it was always G.I. Joe that saved the day. Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not pro-terrorist. But when it comes to cartoon violence, the Cobra dudes were just way cooler than the Joes (with the exception of Beach Head). So let's see why Cobra Commander is the man, and why he rules over Cobra with his awesomeness.

The Many Faces of Cobra Commander
Cobra Commander is mostly recognized by his blue helmet/silver faceplate combination. Many Joes have looked into the reflection of fear when having come face-to-face with the leader of Cobra. The hooded Cobra Commander was more prominently seen in the G.I. Joe comic book from the 80s. He was creepier that way. That was the first Cobra Commander toy I had as a kid, and you had to mail-away to get him. I had it for almost twenty years, until just recently when it fell apart and I lost a piece of it while moving.

Many kids in the late 80s got a toy of Cobra Commander in a silver battlesuit. It was a cool costume, but it might as well have been Darth Vader. This suit was battle ready, and put Cobra Commander out on the front lines with his minions. Lastly, is Cobra Commander's true visage. We saw it in the G.I. Joe movie, when the Commander was transformed into a snake. As a kid, seeing Cobra Commander's real face was monumental. It was one of the defining moments of the 80s. Where were you when Cobra Commander showed his real face goes hand in hand with Where were you when JR Ewing was shot?

Cobra Commander's TV Show!
Running a ruthless terrorist organization is all work and no play. So, believe it or not, Cobra Commander took some time off to have his own cooking show. Imagine Rachael Ray, but with a big friggin' blue helmet on, rasping out phrases like "Let's go see how our lasagna is doing!" Sure, Cooking With Cobra, La La La only lasted a handful of episodes, but it wasn't Cobra Commander's fault. He did his best. It was the Joe-supporting American television audience that wouldn't give him a chance. Maybe if there was more budget invested into Cobra Commander and his great cooking vision.

Cobra Commander only made one other TV appearance, and that was as Kelly's co-host on the Regis and Kelly show when Regis was sick. That doesn't include his numerous broadcast interruptions announcing that he was taking over the world.
Leader of the Stooges
Being the leader of Cobra means that you get to boss around people like Destro, Baronness, Dr. Mindbender, and those twins who kick ass. And if those flunkies can't do the job right, you just call up Zartan to pick up the pieces.
Cobra Commander wasn't always in charnge of Cobra. Destro, who was pretty much the right hand man to Cobra Commander, back-stabbed our boy in blue with the aid of Dr. Mindbender and they created Serpentor to rule over Cobra. Apparently they didn't think The Commander was doing a good enough job. Fucking unions....

Just when Serpentor was finally getting comfortable in his throne, along comes Golobulous (voiced by Burgess Fucking Meredith!) who was the alien creator of Cobra. But a lot of things happened in that G.I. Joe movie that don't make any sense at all.

Some people think the Commander is a pussy. I wouldn't say that though. I've always considered The Commander's "cowardness" to be just a good understanding of when he's lost. He knows when the fight is no longer going to go his way, so he packs up and regroups. There's always another fight. You win some, you lose some. And I think that's what Destro couldn't get his silver little head around. That's why he had to go and create Serpentor with that fool Mindbender. Deep down Destro and Mindbender were very afraid of Cobra Commander. Well, you know what? FUCK DESTRO!

"Was Once A Man..."
Cobra Commander has a very distinctive voice. In fact, the only other voice like his is Starscream from the Transformers. After listening to the Commander talk, even just for a couple minutes, you'll be doing your best to impersonate him. I personally would like to see Cobra Commander record an album and show off his true vocal range. I'm sure big-name music folks like Timbaland, Jay-Z, and Gerardo are just lining up to work with the Commander. I wouldn't be surprized at all if Cobra Commander shouted out some disses at Destro in a Top 40 rap song.

"Yo Destro, the Baronness called
She's eff-ing me tonight cause you're too bald
You silver headed moron, I can't even stand her
But every bitch loves The Cobra Commander!"

So hopefully you've gained a new-found appreciation of Cobra Commander. I know I'm going to have a hard time replacing my broken/lost action figure for anything less than fifty or sixty bucks. Maybe I'll finally hunt down the original Commander action figure with the face plate. It's the one I've wanted since I was a kid.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan



something new.

That girl ain't nothing but tits n' ass
Smart as a tack and the head of her class
The wink in her eye says, Ooh-la-la
Then she opens up her trap and goes blah blah blah
If only she'd learn to talk with her caboose
But I'm sure we could put that mouth to good use
And she's always so full of irrationalities
At least she's got a great set of personalities
Who'd wanna get with such a hellcat?
Oh wait... hold on a sec... scratch that

How Many More Yesterdays?

Here's a new poem.  I might turn it into a song.  Haven't decided.

How Many More Yesterdays?
written by Ryan Matthew Ewing

When you're enjoying the sunset and it's not on purpose
And it's not really an accident cause it's just sort of there
And the best times gone by are all so spacious
Trying to remember who you were but not why or where
When it all catches up
In the clearness of the daze

And you're just sort of there
Cause it's a trick that time plays 
And when you think you've lost count
How many more yesterdays

When you start answering your own questions
And stop talking in a backwards foundation
Just to calm down your fainting regressions
You don't seem to understand your own translation
When you catch yourself
At the end of the maze
And you're just sort of there
Slow again and again it replays
But if they're all just out of reach
How many more yesterdays

Oh, where did all those good times go
Oh, when did we forget the subtle art of conversation
Oh, were they only so good to begin with
Oh, was it all just left to misinterpretation

When you stop breathing together and loving completely
And start staring off into the cold lonely distance
But you keep it inside concretely, discretely
You've all but given up on your resistance, existence
When you're caught so tight
And the past disobeys
But you're still just sort of there
How many more yesterdays?

Friday, June 3, 2016

Top 11 Sequels?

I'm a firm believer that these days movies are all about the sequel.  At least when it comes to summer blockbusters and superhero shit.  The first movie sets up what we need to know so that we can get right into the action in the sequel.

There are plenty of films that never required a second installment.  But what if, for some reason, they had gotten one anyway?  Let's play God for a day, shall we?

11. What Else Is Eating Gilbert Grape?
Gilbert is back with a whole new set of problems and issues to deal with.  His brother, Arnie, is back too and has eaten an entire tub of radioactive goo.  Arnie, now a destructive goo monster, is hell-bent on helping his brother Gilbert solve his swallowing him and his problems!  This time, something really IS eating Gilbert Grape...

10. Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot Part 2
Picture it, Sicily, 2016... It's the sequel you never knew you wanted. Return to a life a solving crimes with Stallone's mom, but this time in full-on glorious 3D CGI... since Estelle Getty is no longer with us.

9. 2 Thelma 2 Louise
If you thought Thelma and Louise were on the run before, you ain't seen nothing yet.  Thelma and Louise have unknowingly gotten their hands on a rare Egyptian artifact and are in a race against time, and the law, to save all of existence from a robotic, alien, Brad Pitt-like thing.  Directed by Michael Bay.

8. Junior's Baby
The unusual comedy team of Arnold/Danny Devito are back!  This time they have to shrink themselves down to mini-size so they can enter into Junior's womb and stop him from getting pregnant by and army of vicious sperm before it's too late.

7. 8 Mile 2: Going The Extra Mile
If you didn't quite get enough of Eminem's more expensive rip off of Purple Rain, then don't worry - he's back and he's going the extra mile!  His mom's spaghetti is back too, and also going the extra mile! With guest appearances by 50 Cent, Wiz Kalifa, MC Hammer, and Niki Minaj, you'll be so wrapped up in the rap battles that you'll fail to notice this movie is just a more expensive rip off of Graffiti Bridge... assuming you ever bothered to watch Graffiti Bridge in the first place.

6. How To Lose A Guy In 11 Days
Like many romantic comedy sequels (I'm looking at you Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights) this film has nothing to do with the one you have grown to love, except that the title will try to bring you in and watch it.  This time around, though, there's a twist - Kate Hudson's character will be played by a dude who gets romantically involved with another dude on a bet from his buddies, and spends eleven days trying to get rid of him in hysterically over-the-top and just-offensive-enough ways, until he realizes that he has actually fallen for another man.

5. Return of the Son of Forrest Gump
This action epic, directed by James Cameron, needs no plot details.  You'll go see it based on the amazing title alone.  Rated NC-17.

4. Another League of Their Own
Sure, The All-American Girls Professional Baseball League was a fun story, highlighting a joyous time for women's rights during the war time.  But what about that other professional baseball league you might not know about because there was no movie made about it? We're talking, of course, about the one you heard about once on The Simpsons from Mr. Burns and thought he was senile - The Negro League.  Yup, it was a real thing and a movie all about it would be fantastic.

3. More Snakes on More Planes
If you don't want to see Samuel L. Jackson scream about them mother fucking snakes on the mother fucking plane one more time, then I'm sorry, because you don't have a soul.

2. Mr. Nanny Returns
Mr. Nanny has to come out of retirement one more time to stop more past-their-prime former WWF superstars from kidnapping rich kids.  Hogan clearly knows best in this sequel, as he spends more time in a tutu, and leg drops the kids to safety. Whatcha gonna do when Mr. Nanny cuts the crusts off your sandwiches for you????????

1. E.E.T.: The Extra-Extra Terrestrial
Elliot is all grown up now, and can't figure out why his finger keeps glowing. Suddenly, he transforms into The Extra-Extra Terrestrial and has to adjust to his new life as an ugly alien in a world full of fear, and people who won't share their Reese's Pieces.  But when the world is threatened by an army of Neo-Nazis (this IS a Spielberg movie, after all) the world will call on E.E.T. to save the planet and the world's supply of Reese's Pieces.

Thanks for reading!

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Don't Put Your Dick In The Window Fan

Don't Put Your Dick In The Window Fan
Written by Ryan Fan Club

Don't put your dick in the window fan
Never put your nards under a moving van
Hey buddy, man, I think we can agree
An electric gloryhole just ain't the place to be
If you stick it in a wall
Or a pane of broken glass
You'll discover mauve connect-the-dots
On the greasy crease of ass
Like chlamydia from Lydia
Or gonorrhea from Miss Rhea
The doctor says, "It's your own fault"
And he's never gonna see ya

Don't put your dick in the window fan
Your schlong don't belong in a frying pan
Hey buddy, dude, I think you can attest
That a tissue substitutes for a double-dee chest
If you use a grocery bag
Then there's no real chance for danger
Or sit a bit on right or lefty
And pretend that it's a stranger
Like a red badge on a pink vadge
Or a silver silly willy
The nurse, she looks and smiles and laughs
While you just claim it's chilly

Don't put your dick in the window fan
You can't put your cock in a rusty tin can
Hey buddy, guy, you surely best believe
It won't feel a thing like her wide-end receive
If you can't shake your spear
With the likes of Horatio
You shouldn't spend your lonely nights
Watching point-of-view fellatio
Like a casting couch slouch
Or a video voyeur toyer
The other patients get in first
While you wait on hold for a lawyer

Thanks for reading!
- ryan