Cobra Commander Is The Man

Cobra Commander is the leader of the ruthless terrorist organization known as Cobra. You probably could've guessed that from his name. He orders his troop from behind a mask, hidden to even his own evil soldiers. I've never been pro-army, so even as a kid I cheered for Cobra to win. Cobra never won though, it was always G.I. Joe that saved the day. Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not pro-terrorist. But when it comes to cartoon violence, the Cobra dudes were just way cooler than the Joes (with the exception of Beach Head). So let's see why Cobra Commander is the man, and why he rules over Cobra with his awesomeness.

The Many Faces of Cobra Commander
Cobra Commander is mostly recognized by his blue helmet/silver faceplate combination. Many Joes have looked into the reflection of fear when having come face-to-face with the leader of Cobra. The hooded Cobra Commander was more prominently seen in the G.I. Joe comic book from the 80s. He was creepier that way. That was the first Cobra Commander toy I had as a kid, and you had to mail-away to get him. I had it for almost twenty years, until just recently when it fell apart and I lost a piece of it while moving.

Many kids in the late 80s got a toy of Cobra Commander in a silver battlesuit. It was a cool costume, but it might as well have been Darth Vader. This suit was battle ready, and put Cobra Commander out on the front lines with his minions. Lastly, is Cobra Commander's true visage. We saw it in the G.I. Joe movie, when the Commander was transformed into a snake. As a kid, seeing Cobra Commander's real face was monumental. It was one of the defining moments of the 80s. Where were you when Cobra Commander showed his real face goes hand in hand with Where were you when JR Ewing was shot?

Cobra Commander's TV Show!
Running a ruthless terrorist organization is all work and no play. So, believe it or not, Cobra Commander took some time off to have his own cooking show. Imagine Rachael Ray, but with a big friggin' blue helmet on, rasping out phrases like "Let's go see how our lasagna is doing!" Sure, Cooking With Cobra, La La La only lasted a handful of episodes, but it wasn't Cobra Commander's fault. He did his best. It was the Joe-supporting American television audience that wouldn't give him a chance. Maybe if there was more budget invested into Cobra Commander and his great cooking vision.

Cobra Commander only made one other TV appearance, and that was as Kelly's co-host on the Regis and Kelly show when Regis was sick. That doesn't include his numerous broadcast interruptions announcing that he was taking over the world.

Leader of the Stooges

Being the leader of Cobra means that you get to boss around people like Destro, Baronness, Dr. Mindbender, and those twins who kick ass. And if those flunkies can't do the job right, you just call up Zartan to pick up the pieces.
Cobra Commander wasn't always in charnge of Cobra. Destro, who was pretty much the right hand man to Cobra Commander, back-stabbed our boy in blue with the aid of Dr. Mindbender and they created Serpentor to rule over Cobra. Apparently they didn't think The Commander was doing a good enough job. Fucking unions....

Just when Serpentor was finally getting comfortable in his throne, along comes Golobulous (voiced by Burgess Fucking Meredith!) who was the alien creator of Cobra. But a lot of things happened in that G.I. Joe movie that don't make any sense at all.

Some people think the Commander is a pussy. I wouldn't say that though. I've always considered The Commander's "cowardness" to be just a good understanding of when he's lost. He knows when the fight is no longer going to go his way, so he packs up and regroups. There's always another fight. You win some, you lose some. And I think that's what Destro couldn't get his silver little head around. That's why he had to go and create Serpentor with that fool Mindbender. Deep down Destro and Mindbender were very afraid of Cobra Commander. Well, you know what? FUCK DESTRO!

"Was Once A Man..."
Cobra Commander has a very distinctive voice. In fact, the only other voice like his is Starscream from the Transformers. After listening to the Commander talk, even just for a couple minutes, you'll be doing your best to impersonate him. I personally would like to see Cobra Commander record an album and show off his true vocal range. I'm sure big-name music folks like Timbaland, Jay-Z, and Gerardo are just lining up to work with the Commander. I wouldn't be surprized at all if Cobra Commander shouted out some disses at Destro in a Top 40 rap song.

"Yo Destro, the Baronness called
She's eff-ing me tonight cause you're too bald
You silver headed moron, I can't even stand her
But every bitch loves The Cobra Commander!"

So hopefully you've gained a new-found appreciation of Cobra Commander. I know I'm going to have a hard time replacing my broken/lost action figure for anything less than fifty or sixty bucks. Maybe I'll finally hunt down the original Commander action figure with the face plate. It's the one I've wanted since I was a kid.

Thanks for reading!
- ryan